I am glad 2008 is almost behind us. What a bitch of a year it was! You know you’re screwed when the Dow Jones industrial average plunged much faster than Tila Tequila’s 5-minute fame and Zhang Ziyi’s chances of making it big in Hollywood. 2008 was also a year filled with weird news. Here is my top ten list of “The Weird News From Asia” in descending order. For the fun of it, you should go over the list from the bottom to the top.

1: Man’s Peen Stuck In a Park Bench

In my opinion, this one takes the cake for the weirdest news coming out of Asia in 2008. A lonely man in Hong Kong decided to fuck a steel bench in a park one night. He managed to stick his little peen in a hole the size of a quarter. But as he got excited doing it his little peen started to grow and it got stuck in the hole.  He called the police for help and they showed up minutes later with a bunch of doctors and reporters. It took them four hours to remove him from the bench. It was hard for the bench to let the ultimate dumbass of 2008 go after making such sweet whoopee.

2:The Kiss of “Deft”

Some Chinese girl in her 20s  was left partially deft following a passionate kiss with her boyfriend.  According to the doctor who treated her, her boyfriend apparently had “kissed too hard”, thereby reducing the pressure in her mouth and pulling her eardrum out. Talk about the kiss of “Deft”.

3: Couple Beaten To Death In Order To Stop Smoking

Mark this under “super fucked up news“, a Malaysian couple were beaten to death by four close family members in a ritual apparently intended to help one of them stop smoking. The husband was trying to give up cigarettes and his wife had a liver ailment. A relative suggested that they undergo a ritual which involved all family members joining forces to beat up the couple to rid them of their ailments. Somehow these two nitwits thought that would be a good idea, and in turn got their heads smashed on a table and was beaten with broomsticks and motorcycle helmets.

4: Man Writes Calligraphy With His Own Tears

Forget the calligraphy brush! A 56 year-old Chinese man named Ru Anting can write calligraphy with water he shoots from his own eyes. He sucks up the water with his nose and then sprays it through his tear ducts. Apparently Ru had discovered this special talent of his when he was a little boy. He could shoot water from his eyes accurately up to 10 feet. His unique skill obviously puts those Thai ladies who perform on the infamous sex shows in the Patpong area to shame. They could only shoot darts from their vajayjays up to 5 feet at a time.

5: Asian Superhero

There is a kid in Singapore whose name is “Batman Bin Suparman” (view a photo of his id here). His dad is probably a big fan of Superman and his mom probably adores the Caped Crusader. Poor kid must have gotten his ass whooped one too many times in his school’s playground. Wait, I bet he was able to fight them back. After all, he’s a cross between two of the greatest superheros of all time.

6: Packing Them In Like Sardines

I dread the rush hour commute. This is why I live two blocks from my office. Anyway, I feel the pain of the Japanese Subway commuters. During rush hours, they are packed in like sardines by uniformed attendants. These guys are pro fudge… I mean, people.. packers. Can you imagine if someone accidentally farts in the car, or gets a woody. Witness the cruelty here.

7: Man Hits Porn Sites 780,000 Times From Work

Shit! When I first read about this I thought they were writing about me. A Japanese man made 780,000 visits to a number of porn sites during his nine months’ employment with a local Japanese government agency. His act was finally discovered by his employer when his computer was hit by a virus. Surprisingly, none of his cubicle neighbors noticed his surfing habit. This guy probably whacked off too much and forgot to clear his web history daily. I would not touch his keyboard if I were the PC support guy.

8: Horny Chinese Grandmother

No I am not talking about some horny meemaw who is hiring 20-something male escorts. I am talking about an old Chinese woman who has a five-inch horn growing out of her forehead (picture here). According to this 95-year old granny from the Guangdong province, it first started as a mole and gradually grew and became like a horn. Fortunately it doesn’t cause her any discomfort. Still, you have to admit that the sight of a person sprouting a horn is rather disturbing.

9: Largest Orgy in Japan

Unfortunately I wasn’t reminiscing about my last visit to Tokyo. 250 Japanese men and women got together in a large warehouse and started to have sex simultaneously, setting a world record for having the world’s biggest orgy ever (NSFW photo here). I bet the warehouse must have smelled like the annual Black Circuit Party after these bitches were done screwing each other. That’s it. I just lost my dinner.

10: Roaches as Pets

This is giving me nightmares. I can deal with rats but not roaches, especially those that fly. Anyway, somewhere in China there are dumb white collar bitches who keep roaches as pets. These roaches have no wings and are pretty buff looking. They are around 3-4 centimeters long. Apparently these nasty looking insects only eat fruits and vegetables. They can try to act as cute as they want, but they are still roaches and will inevitably end up dead on the bottom of my flip flops.

Tags: Bizzare Ritual, Calligraphy, Commuters, Dangers of Kissing, Funny Names, Horns, Orgy, Porn At Work, Roaches, Screwing Park Benches, Weird Asian News 2008